We tend to think of sex as a vending machine. Insert the right coinage, push the right buttons and you should get a big juicy orgasm.
There are many reasons why you might not feel pleasure during sex. Here are some to consider: 1. Your vulva isn’t responding. 2. You have a medical condition.
1. You’re not comfortable
If you’re feeling uncomfortable in the bedroom, it can definitely be a barrier to pleasure. Whether that’s because you’re nervous about being intimate, or you’re not comfortable with your partner, it can make it hard to relax and enjoy yourself.
Try not to catastrophize these feelings – if you’re experimenting with different positions and sex acts, it’s likely that it will become more enjoyable over time. It’s also important to be clear about what you want from your partner, and to communicate this regularly.
Another potential reason you’re not feeling pleasure is that you’re distracted. It’s hard to feel anything when your brain is full of thoughts about what you need to get done at work, if your phone will ring during sex, or if you’re wearing the right underwear for sex.
Try to focus on what’s happening in the moment, and use mindfulness techniques to bring your attention back to your body and your experience. If you’re still not feeling pleasure, consider talking to a sexual health-care provider about it, or finding self-help resources online that can help. The more you learn about sex, sexuality and gender, the more familiar it will feel (and less scary!).)
2. You’re stressed
If your mind is preoccupied with a to-do list, worries about work, or even whether or not you’ll look good in your new bra and panty set, it can be hard to enjoy sexual activity. It’s also difficult for your body to relax, lubricate, and prepare itself for sex if you are stressed.
It’s important to remember that sex is a pleasure-seeking experience, not a “should.” If your partner wants sex and you don’t, there’s no need to push yourself into it just because you believe that the other person will be turned on. Instead, take a step back and focus on the things that do turn you on:
If you find yourself struggling to feel anything during sex, it’s important to talk about your feelings with your partner. Your conversation could open the door for a more productive and pleasurable sex experience in the future.
If you’re worried that your anxiety will stop you from getting hot and heavy, it may help to try masturbation by yourself first. This will help you to get the arousal and pleasure you need without your partner’s involvement. There are plenty of ways to masturbate that can lead to orgasms, including licking your wrists, touching yourself, or using your imagination. Just make sure to take it slow and avoid painful techniques if you haven’t had a lot of practice.
3. You’re not in the right mood
You may find yourself having sex but feeling nothing at all. You might not even be sexually aroused or experiencing the pleasure that comes with it, including orgasms and resolution (the sensations that follow a pleasurable peak). There could be many reasons for this. Some medical, but others more emotional or psychological.
For example, if you move too quickly into sex before you’re ready, it might feel painful or uncomfortable. You’re probably not getting enough blood flow to the genitals, which makes it difficult to climax and creates friction, pain, or both. It’s also possible that you’re doing the same kinds of sex all the time because it turns your partner on, even though it’s not turning you on in return.
Or, you could be distracted and thinking about things other than your sex partner and what’s going on between you. It’s hard to connect with your body and sexual feelings when you’re focused on a job interview or what’s for dinner, or worried about your finances. Try to take a few deep breaths and focus on your physical sensations instead of the stuff that’s not going well in your life. It might help to experiment with some masturbation alone and with your partner and to move slower into sex if you can. This might help you to get turned on and enjoy sex more.
4. You’re not satisfied
Women often get turned off by sexual stimulation if they aren’t feeling satisfied. If your sex isn’t turning you on, it may be time to try something different. It can be hard to talk about sex that doesn’t turn you on but it is essential that you listen to your body and your feelings to make sure you’re having a sex life that is right for you.
A lot of women report that they don’t feel anything during sex because they aren’t getting orgasms. But there’s a lot that goes into getting an orgasm and it’s important to remember that not all sexual experiences lead to orgasms. It could be that you aren’t putting enough pressure on yourself to get one or that you are trying too hard.
It’s also possible that you aren’t masturbating enough or that you aren’t giving yourself enough self-care to feel good before and during sex. If you haven’t tried these things before, it can be tough to know what works and what doesn’t.
We tend to think of our vulvas as live wires that will fire every time we touch or stimulate them but this is not the case for most women (and men with penises). If you aren’t feeling the pleasure that you expect from your sex, try to focus on your mind-body connection and check out our blog post on how to be more present during sex.
