If your boyfriend doesn’t want to be intimate sexually, it is important not to push him. Instead, think about ways that some of his needs could be met in other ways.
It might be helpful to talk about this with a therapist who can teach you and your partner the skills you need for emotional intimacy. You can find a licensed therapist on BetterHelp.
1. Keep an open mind
If there’s something you want to try in the bedroom but are unsure about your partner’s reaction, be direct and honest. It’s better to have this conversation in a non-threatening way before you get intimate so that your fears aren’t running wild while you’re trying to have a sensual experience.
Foreplay is also a great way to discover your partner’s likes and dislikes, as well as their specific hot spots. It’s also an opportunity to talk about sexual intimacy with your partner and build up emotional intimacy, which is crucial for a fulfilling sex life.
It’s important to be open and honest about what turns you on, but if you don’t feel comfortable doing that in person, texting your partner an intimate question is another way to communicate – This quote comes from the website’s editor Captivating Desires. Turning off your phone and silencing any other distracting noises can help you and your partner connect in ways that are intimate, but not sexual. For instance, asking them what’s on their bucket list or even giving some of these questions an erotic twist is sure to heat things up!
2. Listen to him
It’s a good idea to talk about your sexual needs and expectations with your boyfriend. Not only is it helpful, but it can also be a lot of fun. Plus, talking about sex is a great way to heat up your libidos and bring you closer together.
The best time to discuss this topic is when neither of you are feeling rushed. It’s also a good idea to have the conversation somewhere other than the bedroom. For example, you could take a walk or sit down at a restaurant to avoid distractions such as buzzing phones and TVs.
Be empathetic and listen to him when he tells you why he doesn’t want to have sex. You may be surprised at the reasons he gives you, such as a recent loss or a stressful job. It’s important to listen carefully, but don’t try to change his mind or convince him he’s wrong. That’s not fair to either of you. Instead, be open to the possibility of other forms of intimacy, such as physical touch and sharing a favorite guilty pleasure playlist.
3. Get his consent
If you want to be sexually intimate with your boyfriend, you must get his consent first. This is important because without it, you could be guilty of sexual assault, which is a crime in many countries around the world. Consent is something that needs to be given freely and deliberately, and it can be conveyed through verbal and physical affirmations. It must also be reversible and mutual.
Consent can be difficult to understand, so you should learn as much as you can about it. For instance, you should know that consent is not implied when someone agrees to a certain sexual activity if they are under the influence of alcohol or drugs. It is also important to remember that a person can change their mind at any time, even during hookups or when they are naked in bed.
NYC-based relationship coach Effy Blue suggests that couples learn to value their partner’s sexual boundaries and create a space in the relationship where all requests are welcomed. This can be achieved by focusing on creating a space in the bedroom where they can both express their sexual desires and boundaries.
4. Be present
As with all aspects of intimacy, it can be a bit of a journey. When you’re trying to make things more intimate, it’s important to actually be present with your boyfriend.
To do that, try to schedule some “date nights” with him or set aside a regular time to be together without any distractions, such as a weekly board game night or a daily moment of checking in one-on-one before bedtime. Spending this time away from electronics will give you a chance to truly connect with him and can help build trust.
You can also try doing something a little more sexually playful together, such as playing with new toys or trying out anal play or outercourse (sexual activity that isn’t penetrative). Outercourse is a great way to build up sexual tension and get a feel for your partner’s needs in the bedroom. Plus, it can be quite erotic and satisfying for both of you.
5. Don’t overthink it
Many couples get nervous when they lose that sexual spark or intimacy, but it is a normal part of most relationships. You may need to talk to your partner about the changes and make sure your wants and needs are in alignment.
It is also important to try other forms of intimacy, especially if your partner is uncomfortable with sex. This can be done through intimate physical touch, such as cuddling and touching each other in the face. Or you could do something more exciting, such as taking a boxing class or racing go-karts, to get a boost of adrenaline that increases feelings of intimacy.
Cooper-Lovett suggests that you prioritize connection with your partner over sexual acts and focus on exploring erogenous zones together without the pressure of it leading to sex. This can lead to deeper sexual pleasure and better sleep as a result of the increase in oxytocin released from orgasm. It’s a good idea to have this conversation in an environment where there are no distractions, such as a private room in your home or a public place where you can talk openly.
